On the other side, Post Crit

I'm feeling a little battered, but surprisingly hopeful. I feel as if my collection was ripped to shreds, but at the same time, the light at the end of the tunnel seems brighter and much closer.

All my confusion in my design work was so ridiculously evident to the panel that for those 20 minutes I felt embarrassed to call myself a designer. My muse had undergone so many transformations that in the end I had no idea who she was anymore, so as a result, my design work was all over the place...and very very safe. I'd known that all my initial ideas had gotten lost along the way, and that I'd ended up playing it safe, which was definitely a detriment to me.

My prints had previously received good feedback from my textiles tutor, and there was some acknowledgment that they were good prints, but any good feedback about them was only bout them as prints: as part of my collection, I was still struggling to find a way for them to fit in, and this really showed. Again, this was due to the confusion and complete lost-ness and lack of direction I'd somehow found myself in.

However, it's not all bad! Some of the ideas that I'd had in the beginning (before they got lost), and had brought up as the initial development, were well received, so I was encouraged to go all out with those and not hold back. I was told that there was definitely potential, but I just had to work it through until those ideas came to fruition.

One of the biggest issues, no, THE biggest issue, was my lack of time management. I readily admitted this, but wasn't so ready to admit why, so when I was confronted with the question of "so WHY do you procrastinate?" the floodgates opened and I was reduced to a pile of snot and tears. And I'd been so determined not to cry too! Up until that point I'd been taking on board all the criticism- as it was very constructive, albeit negative...but it's just hard when you have to face your biggest fear, in front of a panel of people you admire and who (almost literally) hold the fate of your final year in your hands.

Deep breath now. My biggest fear is failure, which I allow (obviously too often) to paralyse me. In the last few weeks, I'd gotten to the point where I had zero confidence in my work and no faith in myself. I felt like a machine just going through the motions, trying to complete the crit requirements: all my passion had completely flown out the window. Some days (ok, waaaay too many days), I would hate my work so much I'd do anything to avoid it, which obviously put me even further behind.

So that crit was very bizarre. After that breakdown and subsequent failure to recompose myself, I was still getting negative criticism, but I felt a lot more support and encouragement than I have in any time I've had at uni. Up until now, I'd never felt that I would be able to make it, but I'd stuck with it because I still want to be a designer. I'd always seen myself as mediocre, I'd never felt like I'd impressed my tutors, and I'd rarely created anything that I'd been super proud of, or had received rave reviews. It was definitely good to hear that our tutors do have faith in us, and me, but that reciprocally we have to work to maintain that faith.

What I'm going to take away from this is to remember to be true to myself, and to constantly remind myself of my passion. I'm going to have to face my fear of failure, and am going to deal with all the issues which have lead me to this state. I'm going to clear my head and the drawing board, and try to cement exactly what this year is going to be for me; so following this, what my collection will be should be cemented as well. I'm redefining my concept, my muse, my direction- yes my whole collection (oh, did I mention that I went from my initial instinct of a summer collection, to a winter collection because it seemed more suitable, back to a summer collection? Maybe, we shall see...): I'm redefining who I am as a designer.

Fingers crossed!